changes

I'm in the market for a new place and the closer I get, to finding my new home, I'm relishing in memories of the place I'm in now.  It's actually quite scary.  These past two years have been chock full of change.  I'm pretty consistent and simple about things and my world has been rocked in some amazing and awful ways so seeing my emotions shiver at the thought of even MORE change is so interesting.

Feeling panic show up in my breath and throat actually makes me want to lean into it and seek out more change.  In this instance the move is necessary because I've been having trouble sleeping for months and it comes down to finding a quiet block and getting control of my sleeping habits again.  I really am a creature of habit (why I need a dependable sleeping pattern) and I love having control.  In life, I'm the same way.  I go where I'm wanted (and where I want it back), I buy what I please, and I just don't do what I don't like doing.  That definitely takes a lot of trust and confidence, no lie—and still, there's a flaw there.  How can I get even closer to what I want in life without exploring new territory to expand in to?  What else will I learn if I already know most things about what is happening around me?  How can I stay interesting or engaged even to my own self with the same tools?

Im not gonna lie, I'm actually not looking forward to the territory that facing fear an d embracing the unknown will carry me to.  I'm irritated and I feel foolish for even having the thought.  I'm also expecting to have some major breakthroughs in trusting my gut and fearlessness.  If I'm careful, I will find a few new things, friends, and ideas.  That would be great.  If I'm reckless, however, if I totally open up to being unsure and letting the universe play it's tune, I might emerge completely transformed and better for it!

So we're starting with finding a new apartment and up next it could be looking at my leadership, friendships, relationship, and self-awareness.  Who knows?  I'm ditching my desire to make a map and I'm just going for it.  There just better be a breakthrough on the other side of this in the end.  Or else. *shaking fist*

Melissa